With Grace

Her smallest hope was to lose with grace
to be prettier...
to make him feel like he lost it all.
Although she knew this was a lie.
For to lose grace is to have it in the first place-mary full of grace.
Is grace the ability to function in limbo? To function, to kiss sweet kisses and whisper sweet terrible nothings that are full of limbo and chaos but still they ring out full of grace? full of grace.
Maybe grace is to lie with perfection, pretend, tease, and lie terrible nothings that give off an allusion of full of grace and pretty and losing it all for this one...would he for another girl?
But she never knew if it was her.
So she kept these small glass balls of thought, like little buoys that would hold up bobbing nets of fear and deceit on a turbulent ocean so chaotic and dark it was only these little glass balls, with bubble imperfections, that showed her the surface.
Showed her the surface and laid out the lines of how to function and hope above the deceit and limbo.

The truth.
The Grace.
Grace kept her afloat. The truth-the anchor would pull all the nets down and away, but what would that leave her with? The dark?
So she prayed to Mary full of Grace and to the tiny blue pills (two) that would maintain her lies.
Two tiny blue pills the day after that day so tiny blue pills that would maintain her grace, her purity,
no one would know.
So yes she prayed to the Dana of Planned Parenthood and concrete futures.
Knowing, she prayed to knowing.

She prayed at least let me go with grace.
She will let the lies go, never knowing praying to grace, to mary, to the tiny blue pills to take it away and leave her knowing.

She will let that other girl go, there has been greater ache than this surely.
She has been on the other side, but it was different oh so different drunkenly different graceless but unintentional
unintentional cruelty that no one will know and surely this boy will never know because it was different drunkenly graceless but meaningless.

It is the meaning that hurts her.
The intentional cruelty, the lies that are meant to harbor more lies and the possibility of a future with her....that other girl with the name of a Grecian Goddess. A cruel greek goddess whose name she knows and will toss under those little acts of grace floating above the dark currents below.
I know.

I want to go with grace.